1. You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change
2. A passenger from the previous flight has locked herself in the toilet and is hysterically refusing to come out
3. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro
4. The captain berates the 1st officer for having the crank handle
5. The captain asks the passengers to chip in a bit for fuel
6. The captain yells at the ground crew to get the sheep off the runway
7. You ask the captain how often the planes crash, and he says, "just once"
8. There's no movie, but your life keeps flashing before your eyes
9. You see an Al-Qaeda terrorist with a gun demanding to be let off the plane
10. The guy next to you is reading that book about the plane survivors who became cannibals to survive
11. On the PA system instead of:
"good afternoon this is your captain speaking, we will be taking off shortly so please sit back and enjoy the flight"
"Sit down, shut up, and we go when i f**king say so, and i don't want to hear any of that i gotta go toilet crap, i'll tell you when to shit coz i'm the f**king boss!"
12. You have to put your bags on the plane plus you also have to take them off at the other end
13. When the bing bong goes for the safety routine, herr capitan says "oh sod them, if they can't be arsed listening, let the buggers drown"
14. "When disaster strikes there may be a loss of cabin pressure and a reduction in the number of wings..."
15. "We're hoping to fly more or less in a straight line, but sometimes the Navy plays war games in the Channel on a Wednesday night, so be prepared"
16. ...The toilet is of the outside variety, at the end of one of the wings.